


Somewhere a Place for Us

by b43b3n



Category: Glee
Genre: Biphobia, Bisexuality, Boys Kissing, Catholic Guilt, Christianity, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e17 Guilty Pleasures, Handholding, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religion, Sexuality Crisis, Sharing a Bed, Sleepy Cuddles, author is projecting, bi curiousity, except its not catholic, its glee of course one of them sings their feelings, its okay to be gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 08:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10636428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/b43b3n/pseuds/b43b3n
Summary: Sam cornered Blaine into confessing to his guilty pleasure (Him) and now he’s trying to turn Blaine straight... Or at least that’s how it appears until Sam drops the bomb that he likes guys and isn’t all that happy about it.Now Blaine has got to convince Sam that it’s okay to like guys... and it’s okay kiss guys too.-Also featuring a ‘real’ discussion around Christianity & Sexuality-





	

Blaine really liked Sam.

He liked him so much that it sometimes hurt.

Sam was brave, and cheerful, and loved people with _all_ his heart, a feat Blaine had only achieved once, just for it to be ruined by none other than himself. Sam was idealistic, but not unreasonable, and he could so easily see connections between things. Connections or conspiracies were how he made sense of the world and how he was making sense of Blaine’s world. With Sam there was always an explanation demanded and supplied, even if it wasn’t the most logical one. There were explanations like the drama with the Warblers and Steroids and reasons why Blaine should stay at Mckinley.

What Blaine adored about Sam was that Sam gave to the world; he was always helping others but also letting people help him too. There was an innocence to Sam; he still believed whole heartedly in ‘what goes around comes around’, karma, fate, God and Sin, the whole shamboozle. It was so much nicer than Blaine’s version of ‘be nice to people and they’ll probably be nice back’ you because that’s how human connection works, even though we are ultimately at the mercy of a godless existence.

_Godless existence?_ Blaine was spending too much time around Coach Sylvester’s negative energy or something.

‘ _The Godless Existence_ ’ was a heavy subject and far too often on his mind when he was alone, which was one of two main reasons that Blaine had started spending most afternoons with Sam, hanging out, or studying while Sam messed around on his guitar. The other reason was, well, Blaine really liked Sam. He liked him so much that sometimes it hurt.

It hurt because Sam would never like him back. It hurt because he and Sam had an unspoken bro-code that didn’t leave room for crushes. It hurt because Blaine didn’t want to be like Tina, sad and pining over a guy who would never like her back.

But then it had been ‘guilty pleasures’ week at Glee and Sam had cornered him into admitting his feelings for him. Blaine had been scared by the prospect of him finding out, knowing that their friendship would be over. Instead Sam asked for them to ‘hug it out’ and Blaine had been wrapped into a tight hug, a real hug. He’d felt so much relief that Sam was not pushing him into a trash can, that instead of beating his fists into Blaine’s abdomen, his arms were wrapped around Blaine’s back. When Blaine breathed in he could smell Sam’s cologne mixed with strawberry shampoo (which Blaine was pretty sure had belonged to him first), he could feel the tickle of Sam’s hair on his cheek and he finally understood how Tina felt. He was hopelessly devoted and completely unashamed of it.

It sucked balls.

Over the next day nothing changed in their friendship except that Sam made the occasional ‘You so want to do me’ joke and started saying dumb things like “If you go get me a glass of water I’ll take you on a hot date” Blaine’s response was to laugh, flip the bird at Sam, and go get him a glass of water. He pretended like it didn’t annoy him, after all it was nice that he and Sam could joke about this thing… right?

His brain was filled up with stuff; Blaine just needed space to think.

Space to think came 9 o’clock on Friday night after a long and tiring Cheerios practice. Blaine walked in the dark to Sam’s place like he’d planned, tired and irritated at both Coach Sylvester and the loss of yet another set of headphones. Walking in silence on empty streets gave his brain time to wander too. He was friends with Sam and he really liked him. Sam made him laugh and oh wow, there was Sam’s bright happy face, kissable libs, and his chiselled abs.

_God those abs look fucking delicious._

They were pretty thoughts, but not pretty thoughts for Sam to think about Blaine thinking about him. The blonde had said that he appreciated the boost to the ego but Blaine new he was just saying that to be nice. Blaine had violated the bro code and _obviously_ Sam resented him for it. However, they were still friends, and as inevitable as the approaching demise of their friendship was, Blaine decided he might as well make the most of these last few happy days. He kept walking on.

The backdoor of the Hudson-Hummel house was unlocked as Sam had said it would be, even though Blaine knew where the key was. Kurt had showed him once and then Sam had showed him and Brittany where it was in case they ever needed a safe house in a zombie apocalypse.

So up the stairs Blaine went and entered Sam’s room with “Hey, it’s me.”

Sam greeted him with a ‘bro shake’ as opposed to the usual hug, and that stung a little. It was a new touch of distance between them and it was the first sign of their collapsing friendship.

“Hey how are you man?” Sam asked, beaming.

“I’m tired but good thanks. Are Burt and Carole out? How are you?”

“Yeah, they’re having Friday date night. But I’m great, I’ve just perfected a new imitation” He said, clearly proud of himself.

“Okay, show me.” Blaine loved Sam’s impressions, even the strange ones.

“A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. Oh! Oh, sorry there, I’ve got the wrong guy. I thought you were my hobbit friend Frodo.” Said Sam in a perfect Gandalf voice.      

It was accurate, scarily precise, almost if Sir Ian Mckellen was standing in the room and speaking himself, gracing it with his positive old gay man presence. Blaine was impressed, but he was always impressed by Sam

“Wow. That’s very good but let up on the whole hobbit thing will you? I just had to spend four hours listening to Coach Sylvester compare my body hair to Bilbo’s feet. She really does know what my emotionally sensitive spots are”

“Thanks Blaine… and sorry”. Blaine could hear something in his voice, a little restraint perhaps, another hint of distance.

Blaine pulled out the battered office chair by Sam’s desk and sat on it while Sam flopped down onto his bed. They made small talk about the weather and how Sam’s little siblings had just joined a scout troop and how it was so wonderful because Sam had been patrol leader when he was in middle school in Kentucky (he’d gotten kicked out after a _large_ incident involving a _small_ gas cooker). The talk was very nice and all but Sam had not brought up Star Wars or any conspiracies yet.

_Weird._

Sam obviously had something on his mind, probably thinking up the best way to friend break up with Blaine. Blaine was about to bring up ‘Bush did 9/11’ to fill the conspiracy gap when, in a lull in the conversation, Sam asked the most God awful question Blaine had ever heard in his life.

 “So Blaine...”

“Yes?”

“…If you had to pick a girl…”

“Oh god don’t make me do this” Blaine hated the question; he’d already been asked it twice by Tina and several times by his immediate family. He was sick of it. Not only that, but today he felt like the question was weighted with something else. It tickled at the back of his mind that Sam desperately wanted him to be straight and not be into him. That had to be the explanation for the sudden question!

To think! Blaine had been upset about their friendship being almost over? Never mind all that! Blaine didn’t want to be friends with someone who couldn’t accept him for who he was.

“Man I wanna know, out of all of glee club, what girl is the hottest?” Sam pushed.

“Sam seriously?” Blaine laughed, trying to calm himself and pretend that this wasn’t happening, that his careful friendship was tearing in the middle from closeted Kentucky homophobia that had been brewing right under his nose this whole time.

“Yeah, I’m serious, what girl in glee club? Graduated or not.”

Blaine was quiet for a while before deciding to play along. “This is really hard… Tina I guess.”

Sam raised an eyebrow “Tina? Seriously…”

“What? I’m **_GAY_** but Tina’s lovely” Blaine’s _‘gay’_ rang out painfully loudly.

Sam looked a little taken aback at the volume level of Blaine’s last statement but he kept pushing “I asked ‘who is hot?’ not ‘who’s lovely but also vaporaped you?’”

He looked Sam dead in the eye “Look it’s really hard” he said. “I’m not attracted to girls. Tina is pretty and she’s sweet, what more do you want from me?  I don’t see girls the way you’re asking me to. I _can’t_ see girls the way you are asking me to… I’m sorry that _objectifying_ women doesn’t come _naturally_ to me” He angled his words like knives.

Blaine was officially angry at Sam. He was so typical; a straight dude who was an ally until guy got a crush on him. He’d been foolish to think that Sam was any different to that, and now his ‘best friend’ was trying to convince him to like girls. What would be next? Bible verses? Flyers for conversion therapy camps? It was all bullshit and this whole mess was Sam’s fault anyway. Blaine had been quite content (miserable) crushing from a distance, but Sam had had to go digging to fuel his damn ego. The idiot should have been careful what he wished for.

“No, you’re just naturally talented at _objectifying_ men” Sam bit back, bouncing off the tone in Blaine’s voice. “Come on dude, think.”

“Fine… Santana”.  Blaine picked using science and stereotypes. Pretty? Check. Cheerleader? Check. Nice legs? Check. Good teeth, good voice, nice clothes? Sam had dated her? Guys still go after her even though she wasn’t into guys? All Checked.

“You have good taste”. That was the final piece of evidence to confirm for Blaine that Sam was trying to turn him on to girls. Blaine could play this sick game too; he threw it back in Sam’s face.

“Thanks. Your turn now, who is the hottest guy in glee?”

Blaine could see Sam’s face fall and the blond lose confidence. A small victory.

“Uh.. myself?” He asked, trying to clap his ego back before his entire confidence fled the room.

“Don’t ask me, ask yourself ‘if you had to pick a guy…’ see it’s hard.” Blaine let the bitch show in his voice.

“No” Sam replied immediately. “No its not, its Finn. See it’s not that hard!”

Blaine was a bit stunned by that, he wasn’t expecting such an immediate, strong, and self-assured response to his question. “Yeah okay” he answered flatly. The tension left the room.

“Are you offended that I didn’t say you?” Sam teased.

Blaine was more than a bit sad that Sam hadn’t said it was him but he had had enough of this conversation and he couldn’t be bothered with a witty response. “No, I just thought that you’d find that a lot harder to answer”

“Ah” said Sam and just like that the conversation ended. A bit of a shame really, a part of Blaine had been gunning for drama and making a dramatic exit. Oh well, it was probably for the better that they were sitting in calm silence. Blaine pulled out his phone and sent off a message to Kitty about how much he’d enjoyed the Spice Girls performance that week.

_#guiltypleasure._

He was about to ask Sam who had been his favourite Spice Gleek that week  when Sam said something made Blaine snap his head up and freeze.

“I didn’t find your question hard because… I think… because I think I like guys.”

The words spilled out like a bucket of paint that had been bowled over, like a two AM intoxicated text message, like Sam’s room had become a Catholic confession booth. It was the heaviest confession Blaine had ever heard and he hated the way it sounded. The regret he heard in it was ugly, the shame on the edges of the words was crippling. It broke his heart to hear it.

Sam was lying there on his bed rock still and staring at his ceiling and looking like he wished he hadn’t said a thing. Was this all somehow related to the reason for the ‘ _if you had to pick a girl’_ question?

“So you’re bi?” Blaine gently asked.

“No, I think I’m bi…curious”

That was backpedalling if Blaine ever saw it. He classified thinking you might be bi as bi curious but thinking that you might be bi-curious… to him that was either a straight kid being a ‘special snowflake’ or it was an XXL portion of denial.

“Hey, whatever you are, straight, bi, gay, bi-curious… _or_ less than bi-curious, you’re my friend.”

“Thanks man” Sam sat up and leaned against the headboard. He smiled but didn’t look much happier.

“So tell me… why’s this thing you’re thinking… now?” It was a messy question but it did the job of avoiding labels that Sam might react badly too.

 It hurt to think about Sam reacting negatively to being associated with same sex attraction, especially since Blaine himself was deemed the dictionary definition of same sex attraction. But Sam needed to know that it was okay to be himself, and Blaine was prepared to teach him that in small steps if that was what it took.

“I’m the straightest- I’m not like- recently I… I don’t know... I’ve looked at some guys and thought “damn” but like in a gay way” Sam stumbled over the words, but got them out anyhow.

“In a gay way?” It excited him to think about Sam thinking about guys in that way.

_Does Sam think about me?_

Sam stared out the window when he answered “In a hold my hand and kiss me kind of way” his face went a little pink even though his tone remained neutral.

Blaine smiled. “Good on you Sam. Guys are great.” He tried not to think about holding Sam’s hand and kissing him.

“Of course _you’d_ say that” Sam laughed, it was an actually happy laugh, even if it was still clear that Sam was miserable in his uncertainty. Blaine knew he couldn’t leave the room without making sure that his friend knew it was okay to like guys and at least now it felt like he might be listened to.

“And you like girls too?”

“Oh yes, definitely. Girls are _hot_!”

Blaine laughed at Sam’s enthusiasm “I’ll take your word for it. So you like girls and guys too. And that’s okay!!!” He said way too enthusiastically.

Sam looked at him properly for the first time since he’d dropped the blasted bi-bomb. He was frowning and Blaine knew immediately that he’d said something wrong. Oh God, he sounded like a Portland pride parade painfully condensed into one person: intimidatingly gay. It didn’t align with bro-code at all.

“Of course I know that it’s okay.” The blonde snapped. “I’m liberal dude in a 21st century glee club. I’m cool with you and Kurt and Santana and Brit. Of course it’s fucking okay! I’m not a homophobe but…” he trailed off on what Blaine considered the actual worst sentence to trail off on.

“But?”

“But when it comes to me… I don’t want this. I want to flirt with girls and date girls and not have this thing at the back of my mind; I don’t want to hide who I am”

“You don’t have to hide” Blaine softened his voice and moved to perch on the side of Sam’s bed. Try as he might, he still couldn’t get his ‘gay guru’ voice right, now he just sounded condescending.

“I do. I’m a good Christian, okay maybe not good, but I’m an involved Christian, I go to church, I run a children’s group, I go to bible camp in the holidays- as a counsellor! I preached at home group on Wednesday. My church is- No, the whole damn Christian church is my home and my family.” Sam ranted.

“You can be Christian and like guys!” Blaine was genuinely a little confused by the angst. Yes, Sam was going to face bigotry but Blaine knew of many happy ‘out’ gays and lesbians who went to church. Sam just had to find a new church.

“You don’t fucking get it Blaine!” Blaine flinched at the curse word “No shit I can be a Bi-Christian. But you can’t be a preacher and gay and I can’t be a youth leader power-couple with a boyfriend.  ‘They’ sure as hell don’t want people like _you_ as camp counsellor, not even a half fag like me.”

_Ouch._

Sam powered on through with his rant “What I need now is to be cured. There are so many Christians who barely tolerate gay people, who say oh that’s not right, it’s choosing to sin and then they say ‘Oh, but we’re all sinners’ to justify being too lazy and scared to say what they really mean. You gays just blow them off and ignore them because obviously being gay isn’t a choice. Except it is a choice with me. I get to choose whether I date guys or girls, and that’s what’s going to get me kicked out of church in the end. I don’t get to ignore those comments, I have to hear them every day until I start believing them and I have started believing them because every day I hear _‘oh thank god you’re dating that Brittany girl, getting her off the path to Satan.’_ As if my dick has the healing power of Jesus and Santana is the actual snakey bitch ass _‘Lucifer’_!”

Blaine slammed a hand down on Sam’s knee, startling him into silence. “You don’t need to be cured! No one is going to kick you out of your church.”

“Last month they kicked a man of the worship team for coming out as gay. Said something about how he’s welcome here but shouldn’t be in a leadership position” Sam said pointedly

“Find a new church then.”

“Yeah but I don’t want to, I like most of the people at my church, homophobic or not. They looked out for me and my family when we were homeless, but I don’t want to tell them I’m straight and live my life as I lie and I don’t want to say I’m bi and be prayed for strangers who claim that I’m cured whenever I settle into a long term relationship with a girl, and then claim that I’m sinning if I ever so much as look at a guy. I know I probably won’t ever date a guy because I mean I’m way more into girls and God knows it’s going to be an easier life marrying Brittany than marrying you... No offence to you or anything”

“No its okay I don’t want to marry you either” Blaine lied, taking offence.

Sam laughed. He sounded a bit mad and it scared Blaine. He’d seen his brother laugh like this and turn violent and aggressive the next second. His options were to flee or to stay and try his best to say something smart. Blaine was shit as a ‘gay guru’ but he liked to believe he was a good friend.

“Hey” Blaine said softly, taking Sam’s hand “What are your priorities, God, or religion?”

Sam didn’t answer at first, until Blaine squeezed his hand. “Dammit Blaine you’re clever. God obviously, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be part of the religion too. I want something to belong to”

“Well you can belong to the LGBT community if you want, we’re pretty welcoming.” He offered. He could picture Sam dressed up in rainbow colours at a pride parade.

“Oh come on Blaine, as if I’ll belong.”

“Not with an attitude like that you won’t” Blaine let go of Sam’s hand and patted him on the shoulder.

Sam shrugged at that, it was true after all.

“Sam, suspend your fears for a moment will you?” Blaine had had an idea.

“Okay, sure. Why?” Sam asked guardedly as if Blaine was about to suggest a hot and sloppy make out session.

“Let’s talk about boys”

Sam shook his head. Blaine ignored him.

“You said that you thought Finn was attractive, so tell me, what do you like about him?”

“Oh. Uh… well, he’s tall.”

Blaine nodded in agreement and pushed the sinking feeling aside that Sam liked Finn because he was tall, but he was short and Sam didn’t like him.

Encouraged, Sam continued. “…and he’s incredibly charming and super nice”

“He’s like a knight in shining armour?” Suggested Blaine.

“Exactly! and when he sings…. Wow”

Listening to Sam talk about guys was doing something to Blaine’s heart. “Mmhmm. Yes. I mean I’d never date him, obviously not cos he’s straight but yeah last year when he would sing I kind of really wanted to push Rachel out of the way and tell him to ‘sing to me instead’ well not really, I was dating Kurt and wasn’t thinking about other guys obviously.”

Sam laughed “Okay Blaine, slow down. This is a bit too gay for me, but… I do kind of like this… it’s making me feel kind of cool about...” Sam trailed off and waved his hands in a gesture to himself. Then with a cheeky smirk on his face he asked “Can we maybe talk about Mike Chang’s abs?

“So attractive” Blaine snapped his finger into finger-guns and wiggled them in agreement before throwing out another idea. “okay, Puck’s guns.”

“Oh, um, I don’t know, I’m just not that into Puck.” That gave Blaine a bit of hope, Puck was mean and a bad boy type and Blaine most certainly wasn’t.

“He’s pretty hot though” Blaine insisted.

“I just don’t see it… but if you say so… but… okay” Sam seemed pretty comfortable now in the conversation “okay…Artie!”

“Artie?”

_Is Sam… okay?_

“Next time Artie gets really passionate about something look at him and you’ll see... I don’t know what you’ll see but it surpasses… cute? Yeah cute I guess. Is it okay to call guys cute?.”

“Oka, noted. And yeah it’s totally okay to call guys cute, I mean depends on the guy.” _Okay so Sam likes ‘cute guys’_ Blaine thought to himself. _Am I cute?_

“Thoughts on the new guys?” Sam asked.

“Jake is more attractive than Ryder”

“Agreed!”

_Dammit, a Puckerman_. “Okay so how do you feel… being into guys is cool right? it’s good yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah it is good”                     

“So like do you know if you have a type?” Blaine hoped he was still being subtle.

“Nah, I don’t know like find Finn attractive but also, sorry for bringing him up but Kurt when he does that smirk smile thing . I think that’s ….hot”

“Oh well done! Using hot to describe a guy. Even though it is my ex, great job.” He failed the fight to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

“Hey man, look you fucked up with Kurt but you’re a hot piece of ass if he doesn’t come back for you then someone better will” Sam said as if that was meant to be comforting.

Kurt was still sore spot, yes they’d hooked up and slept together at the wedding which wasn’t a wedding, but Kurt had left the next day with an ‘ _oh god we shouldn’t have done this_ ’ and a look that was begging Blaine to forget about the moaned and whispered “ _I love you”_ hot onto his skin just hours before. Kurt wasn’t what Blaine wanted to talk about but… _hang on did Sam just call me a-_

“Hot piece of ass?! Thanks but you’re like definition of man candy Sam.” Subtlety lost.

“Yeah well, I already know I’m a hot dumb blonde but thanks again.”

“Sam, like you said, and these are your words I’m quoting, you’re the ‘hottest guy at McKinley’. But I like you for more than that, you’re incredibly kind, you’re cool, you make me laugh and being around you makes life fun and if it wasn’t for you I’d be drugged up on steroids at Dalton right now”

Sam smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.

_Oh God what have I said now?_

Blaine had only been trying to say the right thing. Was flirting (not that this was even flirting for God sakes) with guys too big of a step?

“Hey are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes…no. I don’t know. I mean it’s cool to sit here and talk about how guys are attractive, it feels a little like breaking the rules but it feels right but then I- ugh. Then you…” Sam looked out of the window and picked his next words carefully. “Blaine I lied before, I don’t like Finn, well at least not _that_ much. I’m into you Blaine… Sometimes you make my brain black out for a second, which was freaky the first time it happened but its okay now. And then… and then you like me back, you like me a lot and you see past my manscaping and that’s great. It feels so good and bubbly inside to know but it’s really scary. It changes my sexuality from something that is just about me, well me and my demons, into a potential reality that I might one day have a ‘thing’ with a guy. I’ve heard so many preachers talk about how it’s not the sexuality that’s a sin but the act.”

A large part of Blaine jumped for joy at the words ‘I’m into you’. These were words he’d only dreamed about hearing from Sam and then to hear him say he made Sam feel bubbly inside was head spinning. Unfortunately he was brought down from his high by Sam explaining that he never wanted to have a thing with Blaine. He thought he’d gotten past this Sam, but Sam had obviously thought about this a lot. His mind was not an empty page for Blaine to write ‘it’s okay to like boys’ and  ‘I love you’ on, Sam had heard ‘ _being gay is a sin’_ so many times that it was a scar. And now Sam was saying that he never wanted to kiss Blaine, and that he’d never take it further for fear of hell on earth.  Blaine wanted to run home and cry but all he could do was to take Sam’s hands in his own and rub circles over Sam’s palm with his thumb. It was best to just let him talk.

“And the act? Sex? Before you stop me I know I shouldn’t have to do this but I would be prepared to _never_ get physical with a guy if that is what gets me into heaven. But sex, and probably butt sex too, is a sin that is nothing compared to the act to love. The sin to love for Christ sakes! I want to be straight so badly Dammit! I know this sounds awful, but I wish I could pray the gay away so that I don’t ever fall in love with a man and have to Christians rejecting me for the one thing fricking Jesus Christ himself calls us to do! LOVE!”

“The gay can’t be ‘prayed away’. I’ve tried; it just makes you feel broken. Don’t waste your time”.

“But like what if it is wrong to like guys. I mean not for you, you’re gay and its awesome, you’re awesome, but for me… no, I’m a good guy, I love Jesus, I like girls. It’s got to be wrong for me to be attracted to guys”

These were cutting words. Unintentional, Blaine knew, but none the less Sam had just put himself (a good Christian who ideally liked girls) on the opposite end of the moral spectrum to him (a proud gay). Now it was personal. No matter how nice Sam thought he was being calling him awesome it was still a bigoted and it was time to lay down the law.

He snapped at Sam. “Sam you’re being homophobic, biphobic, and closeminded and I can see where all this is coming from but I think we can both agree that you’re being a bigot!”

And then Sam started crying, tears that had been repeatedly blinked back were suddenly escaping his eyes. It really wasn’t the best evening for the poor boy. Ups and downs and fear and anger and to top it off Blaine had yelled at him. Blaine regretted it and pulled him into a hug. “Hey, Sorry I yelled. It’s okay.”

“I’m too gay for the Christians and too straight and Christian for the gays.” Sam sobbed into his shoulder.

“You’re neither. You’re too Bi for the bigots and you need to conquer your own internalised biphobia. Just trust that God, if he’s even out there, loves you and also I’m here for you.”

Sam moved deeper into Blaine’s embrace. They sat like that for a bit, Blaine rubbing circles into Sam’s back and feeling awkward. He didn’t have anything more to say that could encourage Sam. After all, he’d lost what his little faith in God that he’d had very quickly after coming out, and while that didn’t bother him now, Sam didn’t need to hear it. No, Sam needed an adult to tell him “I’m gay and Christian and happy”. Lying to his friend went against Blaine’s morals, but there was no reality that Sam could face without bi guys being made into jokes by gay guys and no world without the Westboro Baptist Church and their obsession with picketing. Blaine thought about how when he had thought that he liked Rachel, Kurt had scoffed and told him it was all in his head (which it was, but that wasn’t true for Sam who actually did like girls). He thought about how Ruth, his best friend in primary school had whipped out her little cheap tin cross necklace and had said prayers for him at the start of every lunch hour until his teacher had finally realised what was going on and had politely asked her to stop. There were no simple answers he could give to Sam, so at a loss for words Blaine did what he did best: He sang.

_“There’s a place for us,  
Somewhere a place for us.”_

Blaine’s voice wasn’t warmed up and this was not going to be anywhere close to the best performance of his life but ‘ _Somewhere’_ from _West Side Story_ was beautiful and it was perfect.

_“Peace and quiet an open air,  
Wait for us somewhere.”_

Sam relaxed in his arms, He knew the song, he’d heard it for weeks on end during the musical last year.

_“There’s a time for us,_  
Someday a time for us,  
_Time together with time to spare,_  
_Time to learn, time to care.”_

 By the time Blaine got to the chorus the sobbing had ceased and transformed into what could only be described as ‘Masculine sniffling and manly tears’.

_“Someday, Somewhere,_  
_We’ll find a new way of living._  
_We’ll find a way of forgiving,_  
_Somewhere.”_

The blond was smiling through his wet eyes for the last verse. That made Blaine happy, and also made his heart beat faster. Sam’s soft sunshine smile that was adored so many was inches away from his face, so close that he could count Sam’s eyelashes if he wanted to, blue eyes staring into his as if it was the only thing that mattered.

_“There’s a place for us,_  
_A place and time for us,_  
_Hold my hand and we’re halfway there,_  
_hold my hand and I’ll take you there.”_

Blaine stopped singing. He could feel Sam’s arms around him, their foreheads touching, and eyes wide and intense. Sam’s breath on his lips was the only air in the room. Blaine had no oxygen and he couldn’t finish the song. He had to finish the song before he did something dumb like kiss Sam. He needed to finish the song.

Sam breathed out the last line for him, and Blaine breathed it in.

_“Somehow, Someday, Somewh-“_

Sam’s voice was cut off by Blaine’s lips on his. It was gentle and soft and barely a kiss, Blaine had to force himself to not deepen the kiss, to not freak Sam out. But Sam wasn’t suddenly pulling away, and pushing Blaine off of him. Instead he was letting Blaine tentatively kiss him.

So Blaine pulled back and _stared_ at him, trying to see what Sam was thinking. He desperately wanted to kiss Sam again but this was the same guy who had just been crying because he didn’t want to like boys, so kissing him like this was a dangerous business.

“That was nice” Sam whispered like it would stop God from hearing him.

“Oh thank God.” Blaine felt relief, but his hands were shaking and his knees felt weak.

“Maybe you could do that again?”

“Yeah”

So Blaine kissed him again, and this time properly. His hands automatically jumped up to card through blond hair. Sam moved his mouth against his and the butterflies inside Blaine did somersaults. Quickly, the kiss turned passionate and messy. Open mouth against open mouth and one of Sam’s hands was firm on his waist.

“There’s no doubt about really.” said Sam when they broke for air.

“That you’re into guys?”

“Yeah, and that I’m into you.” And with that he lay back and pulled Blaine down on top of him into a kiss that was positively filthy. Sam’s hands were all over him, and Blaine was kissing on his mouth, cheek, neck, just below the ear. One of Blaine’s hands was working its way under Sam’s shirt, lifting it up and gliding over the toned muscles that were there. He could feel heat pooling in his belly as Sam groped his ass. Their bodies were flush against each other, their legs were tangled together. He experimentally ground his hips on Sam’s and was met by a low moan. and a-

“Blaine.” Sam said in voice that meant stop.

Blaine stopped, and looked at Sam through his eyelashes. The blond’s eyes were as big as saucers, pupils big and deep, his hair was a mess and his whole being was by definition: sexy. Blaine could only hope he looked the same. Sam let out big shuddering breath.

“Shit.”

“Are you okay?”

“You look like sex on a stick.” Sam said and Blaine smiled at that. “But this is going too fast.”

So Blaine sat up and sat on the side of the bed.

“Sorry” apologized Sam.

“Don’t be, you’re right” It was moving too fast.

They fell into an awkward silence.

“How far did you want go?” asked Sam.

“I don’t know” answered Blaine truthfully but then with a smirk added “but it would’ve involved fewer clothes”

“Shit wow” Sam looked rather enthralled by the thought, but being enthralled and wanting to follow through were two very different things and Blaine respected that.

It kind of sucked because now Blaine really needed to cool off. He stood up and made for the door.

“You’re going?”

“I need to cool off” he pointed to the front of his extremely tight pants.

Sam looked at his crotch and drew in a long breath. Blaine loved that he had that effect on him, even if it was counter-productive.

“Just think of Coach Beiste or Coach Sylvester in a sexual situation or something. Guaranteed turn off.”

“I don’t think it’s appropriate to think about teachers like that” He replied and was just out the door when Sam called out to him.

“Blaine?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to stay over?”

“Sure”

Blaine walked into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face and tried to think of things that would cool him off but his mind kept getting pulled back to how hot Sam’s skin had felt under his hands and how Sam wanted him to stay over. Soon enough he gave in to Sam’s suggestion and swapped out the knowledge that Sam was waiting for him on that bed to an image of Coach Sylvester in the same place. He shuddered and cringed at the thought and walked back into the room.

 “Bed is big enough for two don’t you think?” said Sam. It was a single bed, and it is most certainly not big enough, they’d only fit if they cuddled.

It hit Blaine that this was exactly what Sam was asking, and he blushed hard. He may be a teenage boy and thinking about sex all day everyday but he was also Blaine Anderson, crooner of Dalton Academy who liked hugs and holding hands and singing to people. He liked intimacy, gentle-kind-honest-happy-safe-fun-joking-touching-belonging-laughing-cuddling intimacy, and that’s all he had really wished for from Sam before Sam had told him he liked guys too. Earlier, when they had kissed, he’d felt weak at the knees, and had had butterflies in his stomach, but now as Blaine looked at the single bed that feeling was back a ten-fold.

“Yeah, it’ll be a squeeze but we’ll be fine” he said then yawned. “Wow I’m tired, what time is it?”

“Eleven-oh-three exactly”

“I’m keen to crash now, unless you particularly want a game of ‘Call of Duty’”

“Nah I’m tired too. Want to borrow some clothes to sleep in?”

“Yeah thanks”

Blaine changed into one of Sam’s old star wars T-shirts and a pair of shorts that apparently ‘ _should be clean’_ before climbing in bed next to Sam. _I hope Sam can’t hear my heart hammering away_ He thought to himself.

The two of them on the bed was a tighter squeeze than expected. Blaine wondered what Sam did when he Brittany come over.

_Oh my God! Brittany! I completely forgot that she existed, let alone that she and Sam are together._

“Sam I shouldn’t be here. I just remembered that you have a girlfriend!” He sat up to leave but Sam grabbed his arm and stopped him.

“God. Sorry, I’m an awful person but please stay Blaine”

“This is my fault, I already fucked up one relationship by cheating. There was never meant to be a repeat performance”

“ _This_ isn’t cheating. This is too bros having a sleepover”

“We kissed. If I leave now it gets to mean nothing.” As soon as Blaine said it, he realized it was a bad sentence. That kiss did mean something, that’s why he was leaving. It meant something and that was why he should stay.

“Don’t go” Sam insistently pulled on his shoulders until Blaine gave in and was lying down next to him again.

“Did you know that the first guy I ever kissed ignored me for months after?” Blaine confessed. “He alienated me. It felt like shit and when I finally had the opportunity to ask why he just said that it _‘meant nothing’._ I was 13 years old and I had just come out, it meant the world then. It’s wrong that I kissed you when you and Brittany are together but it did mean something.”

“Yeah. It did.”

“Sorry. It won’t happen again”

“Why did your first kiss do that to you?”

“I don’t know. But it hurt. And then I just felt angry because he should’ve held my hand and let me down gently. But I don’t know his story, I don’t know whether he was a dick, or just afraid, or even bullied by his parents. I just hope he’s having meaningful gay relationships now.”

“Blaine?”

“Yes?”

“Will you hold my hand and let me down gently?”

“Only if you hold mine and let me down gently”

“Of course”

Sam took Blaine’s hand. He kissed it like a gentleman and turned it palm side up to run his fingers across the fine lines there. Their fingers still entwined and stayed like that.

“Tomorrow I’ll leave and we won’t talk about this again” Blaine said.

“Yeah that’s probably for the best. You’re a really nice guy and I’m crazy into you but we should just be friends.”

They fell into a soft silence. Blaine studied how their hands looked clasped together and quietly thought about how Sam’s hands would feel on more intimate parts of his body.

 “Can I ask your opinion on something?” Sam finally said, his voice dangerously serious.

“Sure” _uh oh._

“Captain America. Steve Rodgers. Do you think him and Bucky have a thing on the D-low?”

_Wait that’s his question?_ “Definitely”

“I mean what kind of guy goes into that much trouble to save his _best_ _friend_ from a Nazi base”

“Um I would!” Blaine protested.

 “Okay, what kind of guy who doesn’t have a thing on the D-low.”

“Point taken”

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, they just lay there enjoying each other’s company.

Eventually Sam said  “I think that the biggest difference kissing guys and girls is the stubble”

“yeah sorry I didn’t have time to shave this morning… or yesterday… or since Monday”

“No, no its fine… just different” Sam said.

Sam reached out, cupped his face and brushed his thumb along the stubble on Blaine’s top lip. His eyes were focussed and following the movement. Carefully he leant in and kissed Blaine lightly on the top corner of his lip. Blaine closed his eyes at the closeness.

“Sorry” Sam whispered the apology. They’d just agreed to not do this.

“It’s okay, I’m just going to pretend I was asleep and didn’t feel it”

“Only if I get to pretend I was asleep and didn’t do it”

“Good”

“Or this” Sam brushed his lips along Blaine’s jaw bone. Blaine relaxed into it.

“Is it weird?” Blaine asked him.

“Yeah, but it’s good.”

Blaine likes Sam, he likes him a lot. He likes him so much that sometimes it hurts.

So while he has the chance tonight Blaine snuggles up to Sam. And if Sam were awake he’d swear that he can feel the light scratch of stubble and Blaine’s lips on his neck. But they’re _obviously_ both sound asleep and it’s fine, and it’s good so Sam gives thanks to God and prays for there to be somewhere a place for him.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:
> 
> I started writing this fic because writing helps me make sense of the world, sense of why I hate my God so much and yet at the same time define my identity largely by my religion. Writing stuff like this helps me make sense of why I fight for me and my friends’ right to love who we like, and yet feel so guilty and wrong about my sexuality.  
> Originally this was going to be way more smutty at the end but my youth pastor sent me a voice message at 1 in the fucking morning while I was drafting this between mouthfuls of ‘misery and homesickness comfort food’ , he said he had a message from God saying that I shouldn’t be lonely cos he’s always there, and also he loves me no matter what, which is pretty standard for God to say. But of course, it still hit me like a ton of brings. I felt wrong and unclean about writing smut, also after a bit of obligatory soul searching I realised that I have been reading smutty explicit fanfiction (in particular slash) on the interweb since I was like 13 and that is pretty unhealthy. Almost all of the “LGBT fiction” I have consumed over the past 6 years has been heavily sexual and it’s really an issue because being gay, bi, straight, or whatever isn’t just about sex, but also about “holding hands and falling in love.” 
> 
> So yeah, if you liked it, please leave me kudos. If you want to complain then the comment box is open and welcome, especially welcoming to kindly phrased criticism over angery ‘flames’.


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